The last time you heard from me, I was in an outpatient program for an eating disorder. Well that didn’t last too long.
After a few weeks of this specific program, my counselor, given to me by the program, brought my mother and me into her office for a meeting about my progress. She ambushed us. Saying things about how because I wasn’t eating all of the food required by the program every day, I needed to move to an all-day program. HECK NO. Well, neither me nor my mother wanted that. So we promised I would eat everything that they required. By 5 o’clock the next day I was so extremely full I felt like I was going to puke. I had only eaten breakfast and lunch. There was no way I was going to eat dinner. We decided that this program was not good for me anymore.
So there’s that.
Now, my psychiatrist is trying to lower my anti-psychotic. It’s kind of scary because I’ve had to up my dose from what it was lowered to because I was getting easily irritated with my family. Whether that was the medicine or the vacation we were just on, who knows. I hope that I can get my medication back in order before I head back to school. Which is 3 and a half days away.
Last Sunday, I was baptized. I also renewed my virginity. The ironic thing is, I haven’t had a period in two months. I had sex about two months and two weeks ago. Now my mother thinks I’m pregnant. Great.
People have been asking me why I’m depressed. I could list out all of the reason, but that would take awhile…I will try anyway.
When I was 6 years-old I was molested repeatedly by my “best friend”. His name was Jake (I think). He made me touch and put my mouth on his privates for months. One day I told a friend nonchalantly, then she told her mom who told my told my mom. Then the next thing I know we are in a different neighborhood where I have no friends.
During my freshmen year of high school, I had my first kiss with a boy named Sam (we will call him Sam). My friend Andie (we will call her Andie) was secretly in love with Sam so she turned all of our friends against me. I tried to remain under the radar because of all of this drama during my freshmen and sophomore years of high school.
On a cruise when I was 16, I lost my virginity to a guy in the ship. I cried. He was older. He also had a girlfriend. I didn’t know this encounter would change everything.
By the time I came back to the States, something had shut down inside me. I didn’t care who was inside me.
During my junior year, my friend Brent (fake name) killed himself by hanging himself in his closet. The summer before my senior year, my friend Kevin (fake name) killed himself also by hanging himself. I was in love with him. He was beautiful. I wish he could’ve known how much I cared about him before he did that to himself.
By then I was officially off the rails. I wanted nothing to do with “old-fashioned courtship”. I just wanted to feel affection from men. Which I got through sex. Lots and lots of sex.
Now that I am back home and out of school, I can say that I have had at least over 20 sex partners. I feel dirty. I feel disgusting. I want nothing but to slit my wrists and receive my dues as the true slut I am.
That is all I have to say. I’m sorry.