Last night was quite eventful.
I was cutting to stop the voices as per usual, but after 10 minutes they hadn’t gone away. Then 15 minutes, then 20 minutes. I ended up in the bathroom, still cutting, but washing off the blood running down my arm so I could see where I hadn’t cut yet. The voices were only getting louder. I was so scared that I wasn’t going to stop that I went and woke my mom up.
A 20 year old needing her mommy to help her, pathetic? Maybe.
In tears, I told her I couldn’t stop because the voices were still screaming in my ear. She calmly took me to the kitchen and helped bandage me up. Very badly, but, hey, she was tired.
After bandaging me up with a gauze pad and several insufficient band-aids, we watched Glee until 2:30 in the morning. That was nice.
Now I’m going to lunch with my mom and step-dad. Hey, it’s free food. WOOHOO.
When your boyfriend is thinking of breaking up with you because he can’t handle your depression, one sits in bed trying not to slit their wrist.
When your stomach has been in knots all day waiting for your boyfriend to say you can come over to talk, one sleeps as much as possible so they don’t have to sit in agonizing pain.
When your boyfriend cancels on you, one wishes to cut so badly they can hardly breath.
When you can’t cut because it will make your boyfriend even more upset with you, one tries all sorts of ridiculous coping mechanisms trying to resist the strong urge to cut.
When you can’t suppress the darkness…one cuts.
I have these nights where the voices won’t leave me alone. Nights where I cut until they let me stop. Tonight, they made me cut for 20 minutes. The only reason they let me stop is because I ran out of room on my wrist.
They get angry when I try to get help or others try to help me. So asking for help is too hard. They get louder and louder until I can’t separate my thoughts from them.
I don’t want to die. But I do. I really do.
But I want to get married and have kids. I want to have a career. I want to see my baby’s first steps, their first tooth, their first day of school, and their graduation.
I want so many things. But right now it doesn’t seem that I’ll be able to get them because I won’t make it through this alive.
I guess I will just go to sleep and then wake up and do it all over again. I hate this.